16 June 2018

Boundaries Riff

from the Goddess Oracle 
Whenever I feel that I have to draw a boundary line for myself when dealing with another human- and that human reacts by spewing insults, blame and tries to manipulate me to feel like I'm the most disgusting woman in the world....
*I KNOW I did the right thing by setting that boundary*.
Don't be afraid to claim your space. I am just learning to do this, but with an important element that I did not have before: If they don't like it, that's just too bad- for them.

I no longer indulge in old conditioning
[feeling guilty for not being "nice",
as we women are taught almost from the cradle]
that would have me *abandon myself*
in order to have someone else's approval. 
Because, in the end, those people never cared for me anyway- unless they were able to use [or manipulate me through my character weaknesses] me as their own personal power supply.
And guess what? Right after I had to draw that line, just last night, all of that 'not a nice girl' guilt/crap started to encroach on me, and the person, in their rant, went exactly there, sending a message calling me ugly and a failure, and whatever else they could to break me down.
I took out my Goddess oracle deck and asked: "Who am I embodying, right now?"
Of course, I got Durga!
I'm going to give 'menopause' a big fat kiss on the forehead today, since I may not have gotten here to this 'change' without "The Change".
If I have 33 more years to go on this trip- I'm not trying to bullshit around with them.

29 April 2018

Fresh From a Sunday Spin with the Son

I got to say, even with all I know and understand about this physical life, that it is always fluid and changing and that I am happiest and at my best when I am open to and going with that flow- I'm still a bit human in the way that I look for comfort in "sameness". What I mean is- wanting something that is really really good... to stay that way. Last year, I was financially able to get my son and I on a bunch of big 'break-outs'. Lots of travel was in our cards for 2017. I wanted to build on that and really start exploring this year. That was not to be the case, evidently. Then comes the self-discipline, once again, of Surrender. One of the many important tools in my Evolution Toolbox. So, since I had committed to getting into and being at Home in my body, to give a detailed focus to how this body is changing and coping with mitigating factors such as hormone changes and menopause and the various systems affected by this change- I started here. My son is also emerging from his world of technology and has opened up, all on his own, to things that I was trying to encourage him towards, years ago, but it just wasn't his 'time', then. Like Fishing!

       We have just returned from an almost 50 mile round trip, from our apartment in the woods, all around the NYC DEP watershed fishing lands and some of our closer NYS general public fishing areas. I had to force my teenage son up at 1 o'clock, which he was pretty pissed about. And I was annoyed that he had the nerve to be annoyed when I was putting my back out to support his newfound interest.
       But, people, once we got out of here, into the car and started the journey, guess what... FUN was being had. If I stopped, or went too slow in a parking lot, he's exclaim, "Come on, come on! I'm into this, now! Let's go!" And I say, "Do you have a problem with me slowing down to indulge my curiosity about something?" Answer. "No." And there was lots of laughter. That fifty mile round trip, barely a crawl away from our apartment, made me feel some Freedom. It felt like we were on the road again, like last year, but different, but still feeling that lift under my wings. I'm adjusting. I'll take it. 
       Whenever we feel stuck, like the wheels have been spinning for so long, it feels like we're just burying ourselves deeper in the mud... That's when we have to grab the shift and just- punch it! Sometimes it takes some effort to find any little thing to focus on to help lift the mood into that place where we all know Manifestation occurs- JOY.
       I'm going to ride this tiny wave. Maybe I'm even able to see the next swell coming. I look forward to that.
Ursula Carrie

24 April 2018

The Big Rub

Last week was very strange and intense in the way lessons were being brought into my consciousness. I experienced a series of interactions in which, first I was getting "rubbed the wrong way", then I inadvertently turned around the next day and rubbed someone else the wrong way. Mis-communication can quite an upsetting experience, as I'm sure many of you know. There's a lot of elements to sort out, keeping in the awareness that everything is here to assist in our constant growth and self-realization. 
My take-away from all that is: sometimes we create some intense experiences where the "perpetrator" is actually a divine instrument of Instigation that causes us to see more clearly the places in ourselves and/or in the broad sweep of our Life some Truths about ourselves that otherwise may not have been exposed to the light. A good wounding, if it's sharp and fast, can really open one up. ALL of the perps of last week, myself included, had the best of intentions. I'm pretty sure of that. Sometimes we don't realize that we've been handed a script and we're just playing off the page.
       For me, because my personal boundaries had, throughout my life, been a bit too mercurial, too mutable, I had always found it difficult to truly stand firm for myself. Not only is that my training with the Archangel Auriel, being Hadarian, and the earthly influences of my astrology, add to this my upbringing as an Earth Female, I tended to be very accommodating, bending and shaping myself into the forms that were pleasing to others. I just wanted approval. In other words, I constantly sacrificed or deeply buried the expression of my real truth, my authentic self, so that I could harmonize with that which others believed of me, wanted from me or expected from me. I can say, by the time mid-life comes around, if you're female and menopause starts kicking your shit into gear- the dawning comes that: "Screw this!" And any little hampering or slight boundary crossing, feels monumental. Sometimes, now I feel like I'm fighting for That Woman before she fades away and Death starts to consume the remains from the inside out. I'm saying this out loud because I know I'm not the only Woman who faces this issue, especially now as the Feminine Divine is calling for all female born to connect with Her Power and Rise.  
       But this heavy contrast is necessary to continue to clarify the broth. Like, "Who Am I Really", when all of the "expectations of others" is gone, when everything that I used to love to do has left my realm of desire, when I am alone with my Higher Self. It's a question I believe that every Seeker asks of the Self at many crossroads of the physical life journey, as one grows from one form into another. Then, when the answer comes, the question becomes, "Do I have the Courage to allow that person to Be?"