04 October 2018
Of Course, #MeToo. But, "I Shall Not Be Moved"
..... I AM a Female-born Female, After all....
I've been staying out of this #MeToo thing so far, however I am going to speak on this, I think, just this once... because I am really wanting to get this page turned in my personal life. It's time. If you're upset by the following, well... there's no apology. I'm just letting this topic today flow out, as if I am giving one of my "Speaking from My Heart [vlog]"s. (and it's so multifaceted, all these "life scenarios", I am not trying to speak my Truth like a "research paper") Begin the flow...
I was molested as a child by a "family" member. I buried it in my subconscious. I remembered it, in a dream, one month before that motherfucker died. (And, when he did I rejoiced, and declined to attend the funeral, amid all the criticism about me not being there. I don't mourn child abusers. Let them burn in their own hell.) Neither of my parents (or even the man's "wife") protected or took me out of the situation. They pretty much dangled me in the pit of everything harmful and dangerous to a small child. I always felt unsafe and on my own, emotionally, mentally and physically.
As I grew up, and emerged fully into adulthood, I realized that I felt completely unsafe in the presence of both of my parents, and that I would never be truly seen or heard or loved by either of them. If I was happy, my mother acted towards me with hatred and contempt, whilst bragging to the world outside our front door about how "wonderful" I was. That of course was as long as I stayed small and made myself "pleasing' to her. If I ever cried or showed any emotion, both of them (even though apart/divorced) would yell at me to shut up, get over it... Then they would expect me to be their own personal psychologist/counselor. If I needed their love and support, I would just have to keep wanting, for neither of them had anything for me, unless I had something for them. If I didn't "have something" for them, they both turned their backs on me. No love, no comfort, no reassurance, no compassion. And I was told constantly that everything that was "wrong' in the lives of the adults around me was my fault. Everyone's favorite scapegoat. That's how I started out, and those lessons kept repeating themselves throughout my life.
I hopefully have successfully ended my participation in those relationships, because NO ONE needs to be in their 40's and still dealing with abusive parents.
About the #MeToo: As my life out into the world progressed-
I've been cat called to the point where my heart was pounding so hard in fear, I would avoid walking certain streets. I've fat shamed and skinny shamed (by my own "father" for starters, as well as by strangers and by people who professed to "care" for me). I've been stalked, and almost kidnapped by a freak-show of a taxi driver when I lived in Manhattan (I escaped the cab at a red light, even though he'd tried to lock me in- thank goodness the Angels were strong with me, then). I've been date raped, had men poke holes in the condom (because they were trying to impregnate me and therefore "trap me" in the relationship- and that happened more than once- with different men! WTF?!!!)- or even just remove the condom without my knowledge in the middle of the act. THANK God I lived through all that and came out healthy- no diseases, not ever! (Because, somehow, even when I was a little girl, I was committed to myself, to caring for myself, to ensuring my good health and survival. It apparently was one of my innate Gifts from God: Self-Care, Self-Love, even when I didn't realize it.) And, thankfully a couple of abortions- after those deceptive, condom-hole-poking nightmares- secured the future I am living *now*. And, as my power of perception grew stronger and became more refined, I eventually found out that I had been deceived by every single man I'd ever known, whether he be friend or lover- because they just wanted to try and keep me "in the dark', so they can have my cake and eat some other cake too. I can say now, it is nearly impossible to deceive me- I am always led to the Truth by Archangel Michael, or the others of my Family of the Light.
Like, when I was with my son's father, amongst other things- he used to spit on me (like the huge, nasty kind of spit- the kind that demonstrates hatred and disdain for the object spat upon), called me a whore regularly (after he'd been out fucking every "piece" in town that wiggled her pussy in his face, and I was completely faithful) and told me I was a "piece of shit", or even a "dirty nigger"(!), almost every single day. He made fun of what he decided were my bodily flaws (small breasts, and a white pubic hair in my), compared me to my face to the others he would fuck when he was angry with me (like when I stood up, however meekly, for myself), bullied and coerced me to perform sexual acts that made me feel uncomfortable (with him), and reinforced constantly how "inadequate" I was. And while all of that was going on, he would gaslight me constantly- telling me that he didn't say any of those things or do those things- that I was "crazy". He flaunted the other girls in my face, with a grimace on his. He said horrible things about me out in the streets, then came to my apartment talking about, "I love you. Don't leave me."
For years I was swallowed up in the "abused woman syndrome". It would've been better if he had beat me, at least I would've had something to prove the abuse- the authorities can see bruises and broken bones- mental, emotional and spiritual abuse is nearly impossible to prove. Most abusers look like a "man about town", but come home and they are not what they show to the world "out there". BUT, when he started to get physically violent towards my son ("our" son), when the child was about 4/5 years old, that was the end of the line for me. NO one puts their hands on my baby. And my Spirit Guides stepped in and things started to happen and I started to break free. I was not going to raise a little, impressionable boy, thinking that because "this is how daddy does to mommy, and mommy is ok with it" that this is how he should treat women. Sometimes it's easier to stand up when someone more vulnerable than you is being threatened. (And yes, my parents knew all about this- and my mother constantly coerced me to stay with him because "he's the baby's father". And my father would just shrug his shoulders, and go off and smoke a joint, or a bowl, with my baby's daddy- laughing and "male bonding" the whole time.)
This was all before my Soul Realignment in 2010. It doesn't mean that the abusive bullshit doesn't keep getting shot at me, like icy, steel arrows in my warm and loving heart. And the arrows can throw me off my path for a bit, but I pick myself off, reload the power pack in my "no bullshit zone" and keep going. The trouble used to be that- I have too much compassion (don't confuse that with "pity" or having a "bleeding heart") for other people. I always have, and at the lifelong expense of my own boundaries and safety. Or, it has been at the expense of what I know I need to do for myself in order to live the life that I scripted before I came into this body.
And, of course all of that abuse was part of that script (one of my life-lessons is "confidence", so being thrown in a ditch so many times was going to either break me or make me. And I may not have much money, but I sure as fuck ain't "broke"- anyone can just keep trying- and then go fuck off). I no longer feel any acceptable reason to stay with any situations where the purity of my heart is unappreciated, or to walk into red flag situations, with hopes that it will turn out differently. Not in this day and age. I'm not here to "fix" anyone. That's impossible. No one can "fix" anyone else. It has to come from within. (Although I will blast the fuck out of any negative entities and what-have-you when a client comes to me for help. That's a completely different scenario. This is my mission, my life's work. I have had to and continue to realign myself to my work and what I know in My Sacred Heart is right. It seems that as I become more dedicated and committed to my Work, the bullshit arrives, multiplied. But I will not be deterred by hate and naysaying anymore.)
This is inspired by the fact that I have been busting my ass for my son's entire life, raising him on $150- a week with no child support or any other kind of support, even though it felt like I was killing myself to survive- and managed to give my child, as one woman told me, "a very lush life". And I have spent this entire year so far trying to coach my son in "get out there" life skills, and driving him "all over God's creation" to support his passing interests with what little money I have, and all of my time and attention. And taking him to fill out job applications, networking to help him find employment so he can make his own money (none of which worked out as we hoped, but "giving up" was not in the plans- and teaching him (very patiently) how to drive a car, how to shop wisely and manage money, etc... etc... doctors, dentists, everything. And because the kid complains to the absent parent, quite typically for a 17 year old, about how "boring" his life is, and whatever else- I'm blasted with this today, from the consistently homeless, jobless "parent" who hasn't seen or attempted to visit this kid- in at least 5 years- and has offered no financial, or any other kind of support, EVER (even when he was "rolling in the dough", and not one, "wow our son is wonderful, you did such a good job with him all by yourself" or, "sorry I never sent any money to help"). This is just one example, from one person, of the pile of crap I have had to fight my way out of. Telling me that I may never see my son again! That is what he has always hoped for. Well, The Violet Flame can have this. I go with God, and God is in My Heart.
When people find these things out about me, the most common reaction is: "Oh my God, how'd you get like this?" (hugging, loving, cheerful, optimistic, helpful, always comforting those who are suffering, lending a compassionate ear to those who need to talk about what's bothering them... and all that). Well, like I said, it all was going to either kill me or make me stronger. I'm more loving because of what I have been through, even if I now keep personal relationships at arm's length- or fuck, a million miles away, if I can help it. I expand my "no bullshit zone" and fortify the boundaries and focus on my grind. And, I know all this is meant to possibly deter me from my path of Service in the Light- to rile my Heart Chakra up so much that I become paralyzed with fear and can't move forward. The dark ones have many "outlets" for their dirty work. Old shit. Done. Ain't listening no more.
My Incarnated Soul Sisters of the Light are arriving.
Together we will strengthen and fortify each other.
And you haven't heard the last from me on that topic.😉
'back soon, I swear, with some [vlog].
Big Love, and Hugs for now.
And Thank You for Being Here.
❦ Rev. Ursula Carrie