12 July 2017

Starting to take stock. Birthday week.

IN my notes, I see that I did so much good writing and channeling in 2014- the year of total and absolute financial distress, fear and disastrous uncertainty.
But I had a lot of free time, and I slept and woke absolutely to my own physiological schedule. Eventually, willingly surrendering everything else (material, conceptual) that hadn't been stripped away from me by an outside source, the last thing I had to do was surrender my self. And then it all began to flow, the writing, the ideas, the art. I felt so connected to and in communication with my guides and ascended masters. Unfortunately for me at the time, I was constantly effused with the terror and fear that our life was falling apart. These fears were also constantly reinforced by the people who were in my life, then. I therefore did not allow myself to be fully appreciative of all of that writing and the time that I had to do so. (Well, I can appreciate what I wrote then, now.)
So, at the end of that year, I found "the job that saved us" (me and my son) and I began a whole new period and process of transformation.
It has been a packed 3 years of transmuting my past experiences, concepts of self, even my entire physical body from that is/was old and no longer serves the path to new forms more in resonance with my constant realigning with my higher self. But, I hadn't felt like writing, or even reading anything. Even the botanical jewelry that I love to do has fallen to the wayside.
One thing I have learned about myself and my needs: I need long stretches of time where I am undisturbed. I have noticed that as long as I am not preoccupied with all of those "have to dos"  or thoughts of what I "should do", which is nearly always someone else's voice, then that quiet voice of my own heart/inner direction has a space in which to emerge and be heard. This is the space in which the writing, channeling and artwork comes through. I miss this space.
Because, honestly, in this current evolution of my physical life, I have had a very challenging time even being able to locate where the sound of that voice was coming from when I heard it. 
The synchronicities are so subtle, they have become nearly normal.
I am reminded of an Abraham-Hicks clip in which Abraham, channeled by Esther hicks, says that, if you arrive in a space where nothing feels good, you've waited too long (to follow the feelings of guidance).
I've been in this space for so long, where everything that I try to do, or continue to do just loses it's luster. I have tried every which way to use every tool and technique that I have amassed into my spiritual-growth tool kit to change how I feel about my current manifested reality. And there are those little everyday experiences that tell me that 'I still got it', connection with spirit. But even with a clean soul record, thanks to regular check ups and maintenance, there is still something amiss. I just don't know what I 'love' anymore. Midlife? Menopause? Ascension? All of it and more, I suspect! 
That may give a chuckle to some of you out there. Oh, that time on the journey when you feel like you've hit the glass ceiling. Because you have. Because your Soul has been calling you to transform, to push beyond the comfortable supports that have tightened to restraints. The tightrope I walk balancing being 'cool with what is' and the drive to just change... everything! 
Really it's about wanting that next big *wow* moment of yet another breakthrough to the other side. I had it last year at the mediumship week. Then everything seemed to be quickly absorbed into the mundanity of survival.
The 'trough' time. The swells and the waves that we ride high. Then the wave crashes and there is stillness.
I mean, hey, I do it too- wrestling with myself, because I am getting caught up in seeking the gratification of satisfactory external experiences, so that I can feel that I am still creating a pleasant reality, that I am not failing at my mission, that I am 'moving forward'.
I am taking this time that happens to be the week before my birthday, while on staycation from the job, to goad myself back into this- allowing myself to be still.
If all the bills are paid and there's some food to eat (and I am so Appreciative of this fact), I remind myself, "Let the rest just be. It won't fall apart, and if it did you know it'll always be all right." I actually promised this to myself back when I got the job, that as soon as I was able to achieve some stability (like, the electric wasn't getting cut off every month), I would focus on my personal priorities. I have let the fulfillment of this self-promise to get away from me. Thank goodness that I've now remembered.

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