PEM (post-exertional malaise). Longcovid. ME/CFS. The "longhaul" is really fucking long...

PEM (post exertional malaise)- commonly called a "crash"- is one of the most difficult aspects of having Longcovid, but most especially Longcovid that developed into ME/CFS.

I went into a crash on January 25th 2022 after some very stressful events occurred on January 24th. By the Friday of that week I could not stand up for longer than 5 minutes at a time. I was forced to surrender to the bed.

Being that I consider myself a "type A" personality, being in a body that now seems so uncooperative, I've had to process a lot of grief during the past 22 months. I've had to educate myself about ME/CFS. I've had to learn about self pacing and actually apply it. I don't always do so well with that.

I started to recover from this crash on February 3rd- and then we had a very big, "unprecedented" (as they called it on the news) ice storm in my area on Friday February 4th. The electric was off at my apartment for 60 to 72 hours. It was 60 hours that I knew of, but the electric had going out while I was sleeping late Thursday night.

I live in a very remote area with no car. For my apartment no electric means- no heat, no cooking, no telephone, no water... no way to contact anyone for help to get the dry ice at the electric company was handing out or to get to the warming Center in town.

Fortunately throughout the course of my life I had acquired a lot of survival skills- including the know how to empty my freezer and my refrigerator and haul everything out onto the porch in plastic tubs- on the porch fridge/freezer. The temperatures inside my apartment were dropping towards the freezing mark.

By Monday, when all of this was over, when the cortisol surge of "flight or fight" mode started to dissipate- I relapsed back into a heavy, heavy "crash".

This time my inability to stand for more than 5 to 15 minutes at a time lasted for many, many days.

This is PEM. This is Longcovid. This is ME/CFS.

Things that I could have done without even a thought previously (like haul ass and survive an ice storm and Electric outage for 60 to 72 hours) now have severe

repercussions, physically.

It's February 24th 2022, and I'm still trying to recover from all of this. I have to be so careful about "pushing through" and forcing myself to do things- most especially when I feel like I've recovered some energy. Even though I really don't like it, I have to make myself lay down frequently and rest so I don't *stay* in a relapse.

I keep asking myself "Am I ever going to feel like my old self again?"

There really is no answer to this question. And to keep asking myself this question only creates more grief. The only thing to do is keep loving myself, have self-compassion, self-pace, keep moving- and Be Present. Let the future unfold as it is meant to be.

Thank you for reading, and Thank You for Being Here.

Love,

Ursula Carrie

more about PEM here:

Post-exertional Malaise {ME-pedia.org}

{I am thankful for my "type assistant" app, so I could "write" this post 

with my self-expression flowing freely- from My Heart onto the Page. 

I have not edited any of the text above.}